Cycle 3A - Reflections in context

The last post has a lot of the abstract ideas that i've had floating around, and i tried to get the reader to reflect just as much as i was by writing it. But as this blog is about me and my experiences through this lets get some concrete ideas down.

Anyone who is used to living a very busy life, then having to reduce this will have to adapt. There's very few people who knows all the projects, websites, writings, and readings that i'm involved in. Many know of a subset of them, but maybe not the full picture. There's many, many aspects. Work, Jamaat, Khuddam projects, friends, family, humanity first, personal research, The Tomb of Jesus website, personal contacts, professional contacts, cars, property, ebay, business ventures etc. I suppose these aspects are common to many lives, yet with myself i've felt a lot of these have been at a very high intensity simultaneously.

Reducing that itensity has been much harder than i thought - and i think the reason for this is that the pride / self confidence we all have stems for completing tasks and working on such projects and building a sense of achievement as we go along.

We need things we can look back on and feel we have done well on. If we are used to having many of those everyday then taking that away will affect us.

Lets stop making this so generic and get personal.

I need a sense of achievement each day. Without this i am missing something. Its like a drug almost. Without this drug things 'drift' and thinking about this frustrates me. Its wasted time, and thats something ive learnt over the past few years is the worst of all crimes. You cannot waste time, because time is so valuable and you cannot get it back.

But what if i'm not well enough to complete these achievements each day?

I think the answer is that then the 'drug' needs to be replaced with another drug. Up until now the 'drug' of achievement has been replaced with things to keep me busy. This is all about ignoring the sense of time wastage rather than remedying it. It masks the need for the 'achievement' drug rather than replaces it.

So what can replace it? I do not know the answer to that question. One solution is to change the type of 'achievments' to ones you can complete in a lesser state of health / activity.

Instead of working a 9-6 and making progress in my career i can buy a car and spend time working on it and improving bits and pieces. Also projecst that ive not had time for before - like a book - can now come back in to focus and i can work on those. They can provide that sense of achievement.

Personal relationships come in to a it as well. The 'personal worth' you feel is a sum of your own self-worth plus the value others put on your worth. I'm fortunate in that metric as well - although once again i am now questioning that i do just help people so that i then feel valued? Is it all about selfish ego again?

I digress...

With an extended period off work you need a good range of tasks to work on - tasks you can complete whilst unwell and that will give you a sense of achievement. Human contact and being around others will help your state of mind, but i think you need this projects and tasks.

Whilst on chemotherapy i've had much more time to analyse everything and think about all things. Any small issue in your life becomes a huge one as you have ten times more time to think about. In everyday life a busy person has less time to worry about things, but if you are not busy you can sit and worry all the time.

With chemotherapy the days drag. The longer this goes on the more its felt - as i near the end and i am looking towards the finishing line it seems to be coming up slower and slower. If you are having problems sleeping due to discomfort then any other troubles on your mind will amplify this.

This is when the treatment becomes more of a mental battle than a physical one.

People say you need to be 'strong' but no one ever really says what that means. Maybe its emotional strength? Maybe its being able to keep events in context and view the bigger picture? Maybe its about keeping away negative emotions and feelings? Maybe its all of them.

People draw inspiration from different things - knowing what inspires you is very important and its something i've drawn upon repeatedly.

One last tip. Music. When you are battling a negative mental frame of mind music / words can change this. Its a very personal choice but it can definately help. Nazms can work for some people, for others only heavy metal does it!

Lately a song that i feel talks well to me is Supergrass' 'Moving'

Comments

[Muqbool]

Digress? More like hit the nail on the head. Well done bro

[Irfan]

beautiful ... *sniff* ... just ... beautiful :))