Arif Khan's Blog

Arif - December 2007 Snapshot

Now this was not planned, but i got my brother Ghaalib to take this photo as the stack of items in the centre of it are a nice summary of me in 2007! Everything in the photo plays a part.. from the letter in the background to the mouse + mouse mat in the foreground..

Delta Goodrem

"At the age of 18 Delta Goodrem had everything going for her. In 2003 she was nominated for 10 Australian Record Industry association awards, the equivalent to the Brits. She'd had 5 number one singles at home in Australia and had also landed a major role in neighbours, and then in July of that same year she was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma and began treatment for the cancer. Well she's now in remission and released an album 'Mistaken Identity' in which she explores what she went through in the past 16 months."

(Taken from http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/womanshour/2004_48_tue_02.shtml)

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Remember her? The girl from neighbours who was also a pop star and actually could write, sing and play the piano? I had been told a while back that she too had had Hodgkins Lymphoma (by mush!) - but it wasnt until very recently that i looked further in to it. This coincided with my finding my copy of Delta's album 'Mistaken Identity' and also with me finishing chemo officially.

Only when going through the lyrics did i realise how many references to her diagnosis / illness / treatment are made throughout this album.

As she gets paid to put her feelings on paper its not surprising that the songs were filled with expressions and phrases i could relate 100% to, yet expressed in ways i could never come up with!

This is going to be a LONG post - i'll borrow Delta's words but all these words / thoughts / emotions i experienced too over the past 4 months of chemotherapy.

For the geeks amongst us i should say that Delta had the lymphoma in her neck and reading about the other symptoms she had id say she was either Stage IB or IIB.

1. Mistaken Identity

Chorus:

"The girl I used to be
Has a terrible case of mistaken identity
And yesterdays girl is not what you see
It’s a terrible case of mistaken identity"

Also:

"I was always walking one step ahead
Or so I thought until the monster crawled into my bed"

2. Be Strong

Although this was dedicated to someone else with a serious cancer you can tell Delta draws on her own personal experience. The whole song is relevant really:

"Are you swimming upstream, in notions of blue?
Do you feel like your sinking?
Are you sick of the rain, after all you've been through
Well I know what you're thinking.
When you can't take it, you can make it
Sometime soon I know you will see,

CHORUS
'Cause when you're in your darkest hour,
And all of the light just fades away.
And when you're like a single flower,
Whose colours have turned to shades of grey,
Well hang on
Be strong.


You're taking each step one day at a time,
You can't lose your spirit.
Well let live and let live,
Forget and forgive,
And it's all how you see it.
And just remember, keep it together
Don't you know you're never alone?
(Chorus)

No you're not defeated ohh
And soon you'll be smiling once again.
Then you won't have to feel it,
Let it go with the wind.
Time passes us by, and know that you're allowed to cry
(Chorus)"

3. Change

Super relevant one again - id change 'July 8th' for 'August 16th' below. She talks about this phase being 'frightening' but also 'so enlightening'.

"Change, like secrets in the wind I hear the whispers Madame butterfly
Spread your precious wings I watch you fly away

I know, I can't change fate of that July the 8th and it was never the same
I know, this stage is frightening but its oh so enlightening is this how karma goes

Who would have thought when chance came calling that this would be my defining story and who
Could have guessed on my life's journey I could find my way through this extraordinary day

Nothing is isolated

I know, I can't change fate of that July the 8th and it was never the same
I know, this stage is frightening but its oh so enlightening is this how karma goes

Extraordinary day
This would be my defining story
And who could have guessed on my life's journey I could find my way through this Extraordinary day"

4. Fragile

Speaks for itself entirely.

"Six thoughts at once I can't focus on one
Seven days a week but my life has just begun
So caught in emotion and I'm overcome
As I'm falling down I come undone

Chorus
Sometimes I feel like I'm alone
Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong
Sometimes I feel so frail so small
Sometimes I feel vulnerable
Sometimes I feel a little fragile
A little fragile

In six thousand years what will this mean
Words from the heart or a melody
So caught in emotion and I'm overcome
As I'm falling down I come undone
(Chorus)

If people can see right through my eyes
Like an open door that I can't disguise
I won't be afraid from the tears I cry
I'll not run I'll not hide this is how I feel inside
A little fragile
A little fragile
(Chorus)"

5. Disorientated

This song has two choruses:

"Things are changing
So much arranging of my life
I must take hold
I'll keep on spinning until I find myself again"

"I'm disorientated
I'm trying not to be jaded
When it's all so complicated
'cause I'm a little disorientated "

Other good snippets about losing track of time and days..

"So I woke up and there's the moon
Seems to have risen just a little soon"

"So I woke up and there's the clock
It was ticking backwards had I forgot
But what day is it anyway"

4B - Day 11/12/13

The Christmas period tagged on the end of a very good weekend has meant its been a very good week. Pretty much side effects free right now. I have a complete break from now until at least January 7th. Also other people id want to meet up with are around and off work so times are good.

I have little bits of hair sprouting up too these began just before the end of the last cycle, so definately feel i've turned a corner with things.

Given that i have no hospital trips, blood tests, treatments until Jan 7th I propose to not post until then - so rest assured i'm alright and the gap is just as i'm in a treatment break.

Before i forget - big news of Christmas day - a documentary on Jesus on Ch4 talked about the tomb in Kashmir and even had footage inside alongside an interview with Dr Fida Hassnain.

Clips of it are available at the Tomb of Jesus website here

Sunday Night Beef Ribs....

Before	After

4B - Day 9/10

Its late Sunday night and its been a very good weekend. A lot of visitors this weekend and ive spent hardly any time at home by myself - which is always good! I've managed to meet mush, rehaan, numaan, muqbool + family + some of his in-laws, ahsan, sultan, aftab, amaar, haris + family, zafrullah sahib, danyal - ive been to several houses and eaten only one meal at home.

Healthwise im over the side effects from the last chemo and this time it appears its going to last - so in a way its almost a return to normality. Due to this i've felt quite happy too so all round its been a very positive and significant weekend.

I really want to go on a holiday of some sort. I have until the 7th of January and i really think i should use it. Hearing about Amaar booking a last minute trip to Cananda has inspired me too! He booked it Saturday and is flying out there Monday morning - now THAT is the way to do it!

4B - Day 8

I had the letter from Dr A today which boosted my spirits, and then went for a blood test too. Leslie called later to confirm the bloods were fine and next time i need to come to hospital is January 7th - so thats will be the longest ive gone without a hospital visit in the past 4 months! The 7th will be a meeting with Dr A - also he'd said something about the PET CT scan being delayed slightly.

I had some VIP visitors today too who brought round best wishes and some fruit too and then in the evening it was a trip to a Chinese restaurant for dinner with shareef + irfan. Really enjoyed the food - company was alright too i guess. It was an eat-as-much-as-you-can deal - not cheap at £20 a head - but you ordered from their menu and the quality was very good.

The roads were covered with fog this evening, it was probably the worst fog ive ever driven in - really dense and it was around from early evening.

I'm beginning to get over the last few side effects of last week's chemo and this time they will - inshallah - stay away for good!

Dr A Letter - 19th December

Work offer a service called Critical Health Solutions and under this there's a doctor who's job it is to ensure i am getting the best treatment and keep up with my medical reports etc.

He requested an update from Dr A - my consultant - and i was copied on the letter too - im gonna share it here - its quite positive:

Dear Dr Girdher,

RE: Arif Khan dob 01/02/82

Diagnosis: Stage 1A mixed cellularity Hodgkin's lymphoma of the right axila diagnosed July 2007

Treatment: ABVD chemotherapy

Thank you for your letter dated 14th December 2007. Mr Khan has completed four courses of chemotherapy which comprise adriamycin, bleomycin, vinblastine and dacarbazine (ABVD) for his Stage 1A Hodgkin's lymphoma. He was diagnosed in August 2007 and started the treatment in September. He has tolerated the chemotherapy remarkably well apart from symptoms of palpitations and chest pain, and he was seen at that time by Dr V, Consultant Cardiologist. He is due to have a PET/CT scan following completion of this chemotherapy and he will then be referred to D P, Consultant Oncologist, for involved field radiotherapy. His only site of disease is in the right axillary area.

I am very confident that Mr Khan will be cured of his disease. I will continue to monitor his general condition on a three-monthly basis. If you require any further information please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely

Dr A

4B - Day 7

Eid passed very well today - my brother was over with his wife and kids and it was good family time. The food was of course very good - and my only regret was forgetting to take my daily dose of lanzoprozole until after id had a very rich / spicy lunch! I had some mild heartburn as a result but nothing too bad. I went out for a walk after lunch and it was FREEZING outside. Thanksfully the huge winter coat + hat served me well.

I spoke to my friend Riaz today from UCL - he left a voicemail saying that started with asking how i was etc but then he added that this was the the last time id speak to him whilst he was single as he's leaving for India tomorrow and is getting married! I called him back and wished him all the best and we caught up for a while. I was trying to think of some historic to say to mark the ocassion but never really managed it..

This evening i've been browsing a Hodgkins Lymphoma Forum and ive come across to other people who have HL with blogs. Its been so interesting to compare the blogs. I had written long posts about 'motivation' and in the 20 mins or so i spent browsing the other blogs i found BOTH of them had long posts with the exact same title. It is reassuring hearing of others who have gone through this, even more so hearing about them coming out the other end. There is a mixture, though, of good news and bad and it shwos again how crucial the PET CT scan will be.

I have a blood test tomorrow - just the standard one to check my counts following last week's treatment.

4B - Day 6

Feeling a lot better today thank God, the soreness of the mouth has eased a bit and the discomfort in the chest eased. I woke up quite refreshed generally. I tried eating solids and was ok unless it was spicy food. Hopefully i'll still be able to enjoy some nice eid food tomorrow.

Got to visit mush late tonight and we had a quick catch up session for the past few months or so - he's spent most of his time working on a theatre show in Germany but had some time in Russia as well - although we seemed to spend most of the time talking about Singapore.. but thats just mush being a mush! It was good seeing him after quite a while.

Tomorrow is Eid so it should be a good day - i think everyone has got their stuff planned for tomorrow - hopefully this will be the last major event i'll be sitting out for a while. Its very cold these days so probably a good thing i'll be staying!

4B - Day 4/5

Monday and Tuesday have been tough days - its the mouth soreness that is getting me right now. The mouthwashes can numb the pain, but its feels like i have ulcers all inside my mouth. The slightest drink, say, of some sort of juice and it stings. Trying to chew and eat anythihg is very painful, even talking hurts! I used to have braces for my teeth and this reminds me of what it would be like when they were tightened up.

A constant irritation like the mouth thing also affects your mood as your constantly agitated by it.

Throw in to this the chest pains, which seem less frequent, but stronger and its a bit of a struggle at the moment. There isnt really much to do apart from keeping using the mouth washes, trying to ease the pain and eating / drinking things that are sore-mouth-friendly.

Hoepfully come Thursday and Eid i'll be able to enjoy normal foods - wouldnt wanna miss out on that!

Big news of the day? My very good friend Mush is alive and wants to meet up!

FTO vs Coupe

My brother Ghaalib put this together - i think its great!

4B - Day 3

Definately finding the side effects to this last dose worse than the others - maybe its the cold weather not helping, and partly it could be psychological too. Ive been quite active and kept busy although this time ive allowed myself to rest a bit more. Mainly its nausea that im getting and stomach pains. The chest discomfort has been there last night and today also.

I need to drink more fluids to help flush the drugs out the system i think - that usually helps with the sickness side of things.

My mouth has been very sore lately too. I had the soreness of the mouth at the start of the treatment with the first dose, but not really had it since. I have 4 bottles of mouthwash given to me for that though so shouldnt be an issue!

December 13th Nandos Pics

A spur of the moment nandos trip - there are photos of Irfan here too but he didnt want people to see him wearing a table-cloth-like-shirt so its just me and the chicken.

Still got a some hair on my head here - quite a big difference to the last photo i posted on here though - but ive seen that was from the 24th October - so to be expected!

I should point out that this was taken the day before the final dose of chemo so i had fully recovered from the previous dose, and as this last treatment was on Friday not Tuesday i had even had a few extra days bonus recovery time.

4B - Cycle 2 - PM

After my previous blog post i went to bed about 3pm. I got up around 6:30. Didnt feel too well then. I had my dose of medicines then; Dexamethasone (steroid), Ondansetron (strong anti sickness), Domperidone (more mild anti-sickness). I then headed over to shareef's and took him to pick up his mobile phone which he'd lost the day before. Some good citizen had found it and called him up to say they had it.

Later on we went to KFC then his place and a couple of other people came over too. It was freezing last night, but i've upgraded my coat to a huge puffy one and had a hat finally too so i was just about ok.

Sleeping was an issue again - the drugs were doing their anti-sickness thing, well supressing nausea, but i still didnt feel well. I think i slept about 4am in the end. Just when i was geting my routine in order the past week or so too! Now the chemo sessions are finished im hopnig i can get in to a better routine.

4B - Day 2

This last dose of chemo seems to have effected me earlier than the previous ones. I felt sick a lot yesterday evening after coming home, and at night thought i was getting the chest pains again - that would be 4 days earlier then they normally show up.

The treatments are cumulative and things are due to get harder as you go along but that was quite odd. Today i'm not too bad, taken my cocktail of steroids, and anti sickness pills and feel ok. I feel quite tired though - although having said that ive remembered i couldnt sleep till quite late.

Its a relief to know that all scheduled chemo doses are complete - this means my veins can have a rest and also within a few weeks my immune system should also start boosting itself back up to good levels. This will coincide with the holiday period so it may be a few nice weeks ahead - after ive gotten through the worst of the chemo after effects for this cycle that is.

My usual pattern is for things to be tough on around day 4/5/6 after the does - that would fall on Eid! DOH!

24isms....

Having had a break from 24 for about a month ive recently seen Season 4 - and absolutely loved it!

It may seem cliched to some, or overly dramatic, but the mix of concurrent story lines interacting, the technology, the fast pace, the high stakes, and the personal relationships getting in the way of things is done brilliantly in my view.

There are those that can be obsessed with 24 - if you suspect someone of this here are a few signs to look out for:

You know you've obsessed with 24 when...

....you respond to things you friends and family say to you with the words 'Ok, copy that'

....you answer the phone saying "this is Bauer.." - or "Almeida.."

....you have downloaded the CTU ring tone for your mobile

....you find yourself humming the 24 theme tune

....you own a piece of CTU merchandise (t-shirt, mug etc)

....you think 24 is actually a fly-on-the-wall documentary

....you also end all your requests for something with "NOW!" or "We don't have much time!"

Ok - there's a few i came up with - look foward to seeing if anyone else share any.

On the theme of 24 - here's a brill clip on YouTube - the Tony impression is great.

Treatment 4B - the last chemo...

Well, its all done, and what an eventful day. For some reason i was very nervous and apprehensive about today - as much as i was about the first one. Still not sure why, but i was very much anxious about the whole thing. Yet, it seems Someone up above was ensuring that id have all the support i needed today. It arrived in all forms - from bumping in to a very good old friend from school who'd just qualified as a doctor herself, to the 152 bus arriving before the 213 did meaning when Shareef came to visit he was able to bring me some food when i was really hungry!

I had a variety of texts from people today too, it seemed whenever there was a break in communication from someone then id get a message or a call or a visit! Even leslie the nurse was surprised that i had visits today - i feel truly blessed with having such people around me, and for all the coincidences and happenings that lead to all the various bits of 'support' coming just today when i needed it.

I was due for treatment on Tuesday, but it was delayed to Friday; I had to drive myself to the hospital for the first time; i had to park far away and walk to the hospital - also affecting my timings; and today was the very last chemo session.

I get a headache thinking about how strange today's happenings have been. My friend and I and the nurse all talked about 'fate' - yet all three of us are strong religious people - so whenever we said 'fate' and 'coincidence' it was clear really we meant 'God'....

But hey - people dont talk about God in everyday life really - its not politically correct to do so - so we can use the term 'fate' if people prefer!

Ok, time for some more 24 episodes now - 4 hours left of Season 4 - its been a good one!

Day Before Treamtent 4B

Tomorrow is officially the last planned treatment. I wont be out of chemotherapy tomorrow, i will be starting the final 1/2 cycle. It will be the last planned time to go to hospital and get given the drugs.

I'm sure i'll get side effects next week, but hopefully they will be the finals ones. The chemo will be officially over 2 weeks today.

In the new year i will be having radiotherapy and before that i believe i'll have another PET scan to see how the chemo has gone. It seems like ive been talking about this PET scan for months and months - but then again right now time goes very slowly for me. Each day seems like 3 days at least.

It will be good to get the chemotherapy out the way as it is the hardest part side effects wise definately.

I've been in touch with work last couple days and part of my attention is being drawn back there - going back will present a whole other set of challenges, some of them just as hard as whats passed in some ways.

I'm very lucky and fortunate to work for a company that has specific departments to help with things like this though - i'll benefit from confidential expert medical advice from an in house doctor who is qualified to the teeth and who will have access to my entire medical history and be able to give me completely impartial advice... for free. I've already made use of this and i'm sure it will continue when i get back to work.

Before i think of work, though, we need to be sure that the treatments ive had have done their job and that all is ok to proceed.

Fiat Coupe Video

A group of us went to Guilford to drop off an FTO at a garage and drive back - here's a little video i put together of some of the video footage my brother took of the trip - this one selfishly has no FTO footage at all! We did swap which car the camera was in about 1/2 way along.

YouTube...

I wonder if this works....

Cycle 4A - Day 12/13

I've been well the past few days. Normally feeling well means chemo around the corner, but this time its delayed till Friday so i may have lots of consecutive nice feeling days. Smurf is back in town so met up with him a couple of times - on Saturday we ended up in Hounslow as some odd India take away place that Shareef knew.

I've been really really busy with web work the last few days. On Friday there was a Charity Cheque Presentation Dinner at Baitul Futuh mosque as a follow up to the Charity Challenge i took part in in May. I had to produce a presentation for that - i think in total i spent about 10 hours on that - yet i ended up with a slideshow that ran 7 minutes 33 seconds... such is life!

Had a blood test today (Monday) and not heard back yet - so assume bloods are fine.

Friday is the last dose.

Corrado finally leaves #47

I got a message in the week from Dan - who was buying the Corrado Storm - saying that there was a change of plan! I feared the worse. Turned out he had his eyes on another project, yet he'd found another buyer for my car. The deal was him and his mate (also from the Corrado forum) would turn up and pay me the remaining money - and his friend would register the car in his name and the two of them would resolve the fact that they'd each paid a bit for the car between themselves.

So today (Friday evening) it all happened. They came over - checked the car over - paid the money - soretd out the V5 and away they went. They came in a Corrado VR6 anyway and departed in two Corrado VR6s!

The new owner - Ben - said he had plans for the car - when i pressed him about what they are he talked about a possible R32 conversion!! That sounded brilliant - would be great to follow someone doing that to your old car on forums - might end up in some VW performance magazine some day.

Just before they came to buy the car i took it out for spin. The handling is great, the noise from the car awesome, yet it doesnt have the same performance kick that the Fiat does - having a turbo adds a lot. I'm pleased with the sale.

Always sad to see a car like that go though.

Cycle 4A - Day 8/9

Been feeling better last few days in many ways. Spent most of my time at home working on website items, they never seem to go! The latest site that i was working on was www.islamicfaq.org - that has had its font adjusted and corrected some errors id become aware of.

I tried watching the cricket that was on today but it got very dull and boring. Cricket being played in the subcontinent can be quite slow and dull, the pitches often have no life so once the new ball has gone its a dull affair. With the lack of pace in the pitches the scoring rate is slow too and getting wickets is very hard. So i got bored of the cricket - very unlike me!

The corrado window is fixed - my dad has put in a legendary performance and fitted the new mechanism. There's one more issue - which is the window rubber seal - we've taken it off and hope to knock out some bulges in it - if not worst case will mean i'll have to buy another one. The issue is that as you raise the window up it takes the rubber off! I'm amazed that the window mechanism is in and bolted in place and working etc. I'll have to give my dad some percentage of the sale when it completes.

The chest pains have pretty much gone, which is good news, my stomach has been a bit varied with some discomfort and variable appetite again. Today (wednesday) ive been better - had a very nice omlette this morning and then came to Shareef's. I brought some food from home for him and we also cooked some pies that we bought on Monday. I went with him to his old house (which his brother owns and is being rented out) and collected an old microwave and brought it to his flat.

Shareef has asked me to please write something NICE about him on the blog claiming that my previous comments have been derogatory.

As he is studying law and is bigger than me i am scared of him. In an attempt to avoid him suing me for defarmation of character i would like to make it very clear that he is GREAT and i have nothing bad i could possibly say about him....honestly.

Cycle 4A - Day 6/7

I can't believe that i've managed to keep this blog running on an almost day-by-day basis. You'd think id start skipping days or something. At the end of chemo there will be a break of a few weeks before the radiotherapy starts - definately going to take a 'blogging break' during that time i think.

Sunday was spent working on the Corrado with my dad - he did most of the work, i popped out every now and then to give him some moral support and see how he was getting on. The old mechanism is now completely out and we've seen that the cable in the mechanism had snapped. I got in touch with the buyer telling him that we may not be finished by Monday evening (when he had hoped to pick the car up) - he said that he was in no hurry at all, which is great news. One of the highlights of Sunday was watching my brother Ghaalib make his debut apperance presenting a program on MTA (Muslim Television Ahmadiyya) on Sky channel 787. He did brilliantly interviewing people from young kids to the UK head of MKA UK. Well done Ghaalib!

My chest pains have been around most of the day on Sunday - they have been quite bad too - i've gritted my teeth and tried to get through it knowing there's just one treatment to go...

Monday was spent at home, then having a blood test at the hospital then over to Shareef's. I spend a lot of time at Shareef's - here's the main reasons why i go there:

1. Good to get out of my room and have a change of scenary
2. He has wireless broadband so i just take my laptop round there and its like being at home
3. We always eat well!
4. He has loads of episodes of 'Little Mosque on the Praire' on his laptop that i can watch
5. As he's a student with work to do too being there helps me focus when i have work to do
6. We go WAY back - and he's good company
7. Everynow and then he can even hold an intelligent conversation and say something sensible.. rare.. but it does happen!

Health has been alright today - chest discomfort has eased. No chemo for a whole 11 days for me right now - biggest break ive had.

Cycle 4A - Day 5

Chest pains were in full effect this evening, yet the day overall was good for my spirit. Plenty of cricket in the morning to watch - then i helped my dad out with trying to sort the Corrado window. Then had some relatives over in the afternoon / evening and pizza hut take away with the family at night.

The most fun part was probably eating together with the family and then playing 4 player playstation! We were playing a tennis game, so were able to get 4 people on the court at the same time, although as we were short of a controller Ibraheem had to play on a steering wheel!

From 8pm to now the chest pains have been bad. I've tried a shower and that has eased them but they are quite strong this time and uncomfortable. Hopefully once i get over these i'll just have to face this discomfort once more with the final dose. Time to get some sleep.