It was exactly 3 months ago that i had my last dose of radiation. February the 15th.
A lot has gone on since then, a LOT.
One thing that is clear to me - and its something ive read on other lymphoma blogs - that this whole struggle / experience / ordeal / trial does not end with a clean PET scan. It does not end with returning back to work. It does not end with going back to full hours. It does not end at all. It becomes absorbed in to your very being and essence and becomes a part of you.
I remember a close friend of mine talking about some seriously life changing experiences in her life that i only found out about many years later. Looking back she wrote something along the lines of:
"Over the past few years I've been working on my own life road as well. In between health problems, depression, broken relationship, suicidal tendancies, substance abuse, and a life of crime its amazing that i'm still on this planet...."
She went on to talk about this reflectively saying:
"That period in my life is a part of me, but i dont let it be the definition of me"
I feel there's a lot to me taken from that. But you know what? Putting the cancer thing 'behind you' if you like is very difficult, there's 5 years of follow up for a start. In addition its unfair on myself to try and forget. I cannot remove it from my being, its part of me, its part of who i am. Its not the definition of me, but its a part of me that will always be there.
I dont think of that as a negative thing.
I remember joking with my good friend Abubakr that if i was a character in a play / film / story then i've suddenly become a much 'deeper' character based upon all thats happened the past year. I've always been a complex person, made up several different facets, but now there's added breadth of experience combined with even more depth! Again, i feel ive been a very deep person anyway - but after this year i can draw on even more experience and feeling.
Going forward then - for the next 5 years - the doctor's trips and all the emotions and feelings that go along with that will still be around.
How does that influence my outlook on life?
Its something i have to factor in when planning all aspects of life. It affects career plans, personal plans, marriage plans, family plans, property plans, investment plans.. most things!
Does that get me down? Not really - i am just aware that my needs and requirements and wishes in life are quite different to what they were a year ago. Its all part of the cycle that is life and its certainly been an interesting journey.
The rest of this year in itself promises to be a very interesting one - there's scope for a lot of change in this time - watch this space.
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